randomizer is the name of the game

mama said there would be days like these. you know those days when you have so much to do but no matter what you cant get yourself to actually concentrate and do it because you have too much on your mind? well thats today. and yesterday. and the day before. and its bad timing, ya know? i have finals now. i still have 20 pages to type and two finals to study for. all by thursday. except for one final. thats today. i think ill just plan on failing now. see that way i wont be disappointed if i do fail, and ill be happily surprised if i do well. i like my way of living.

well i officially finished one of my papers and i have two pages done of the other one. 6 1/2 pages down only 13 1/2 pages left. i feel so much more comforted now. and the fact that i have a final in two hours and i havent really studied at all and i really have no clue whats going to be on the test. ech. that doesnt bother me at all. im totally cool. ill just wing it. cause im the perfect wing it woman, dont you know?

well the panic over me reading that email has passed and i have successfully moved onto, "i think ill drown myself today". of course my bathtub here isnt very big, it can barely hold a child (dont bring it up around my roommate, its a touchy subject) so ill have to throw myself off the rough instead. that actually kind of happened at my first year at TI. yeah, i was climbing out the window to get to the roof to see what was going on across the street and i kind of fell out the window. got a huge gash on my leg and everything. my friend was watching me and she said it really looked like i had thrown myself out the window and she felt like she should call a suicide watch. it was rather amusing. i think that was the same night my phone fell off the roof too. it was hard night all around for sure :).

well not that we have taken a walk down memory lane together i think i better get back to work. my brain is everywhere except where it is supposed to be. studying. ha! hasta manana chicas.

stormy seas

well.....last night was interesting. i guess i kind of figured out how i was feeling. im disappointed. and kinda depressed about it. what i havent figured out yet is why. im disappointed about something that i cant quite put my finger on. i think the fact that his dad and my dad didnt together jump out of their chairs and say "yeah, lets go!" kinda bummed me out. see, all the other people that i have looked into i have been able to take the answer no really well. i just say "well ok that wasnt shayach, lets try again". but this time.....i really wanted answer to be yes. i really did. so i guess i have that part figured out sort of. i guess i didnt fabricate those feelings after all. i was never this disappointed in the other situations. what kinda confuses is its not like my parents said "no you cant do this" like im in highschool. my mother relayed a conversation. she told they would not tell me what to do. i could choose what i wanted to do with the information given to me, they wouldnt stop me. they werent against me doing anything, well all know each other in this situation, so they wont mind in the end.
i think the problem is that i know very well that you cant go into a relationship with the assumption that your going to be able to change someone. i know that doesnt work and the only thing can come from that is alot of unhappiness all around. on the other hand.......well its him. its just him. there is no other way to explain. i know that if someone told me about a shidduch with a person that sounded like him i probably would not take it, definitely not take it. but with him its different. i know that sounds lame and highschool and about a million other cliche and stupid things but its the only way i can explain it.

well in the middle of all this i was feeling kind of down and it was already like three in the morning so i couldnt really call anyone, and my roomate was only just calming down from her first shidduch call so i was feeling a little lonely. well so then, on the spur of the moment, and before i really had time to think about it and think about the many many negative ramifications this could have, i wrote to my ex (saar, dont kill me.....ok ill just hide now to be safe). now what inspired me to do this, i will never know, but i did it. a long drawn out letter that will probably make him say "oy vey" yet again. now of course im like "oh my gosh i cant believe what i just did" and the panic is now setting in.

so there it is my friends. the twisted, dramatic, and pathetic life of rivqa squish abrams. ill be here all week.

rain washed skies

songs of the day: "mama said" and "turn the page" by metallica

mood: take all the moods possible and smush 'em together into one big mush.

ever have a time when you're kinda hoping for something, and then you dont get it. or that you were hoping someone would give it to you or at least give you some sort of way of getting it, and then they dont? they just kinda say, sorry cant help you. its all up to you man. thats kind of how i feel right now.

the weirdest part of all this is that i dont even know if im disappointed. its like i cant tell, which is even more frustrating. if i was actually depressed our disappointed about it, then i could sit on my bed and eat ice cream and cry or write depressing stories or poetry and listen to the most tear jerking music that i have and watch "a walk to remember". but i cant even tell. which is kind of even more depressing than actually being depressed, if that makes any sense. its like i want to be disappointed but i wont let myself be. which makes me wonder about my feelings in the first place, whether or not they were really real of i fabricated. maybe i made the whole thing up and it never existed in the first place. and if thats the case...well then i feel like an idiot.

now im left in this bizarre place where i am have nothing to think about except my own thoughts, only the things i am sure of, which arent that much at the moment. i have no idea what he is thinking or feeling. i have nothing to go on except my extremely mixed up emotions which are not clearly defined as of yet and arent being much help. im trapped inside my own mind, a swirling mass of emotion that has absolutely no outlet. well there is one outlet but i would prefer not to even think about that possibility. its tempting, its confusing, and i want to but i dont want to. so instead im gonna go eat greek salad. farewell.

caution: intense thinking will cause brain to spontaneously combust

thinking is an amazing thing. thinking gives the mind the wings necessary to take flight and soar on the wings of imagination. and what places it can take you. in the minds eye i have seen the great wall of china, ive flowed down the nile river, walked the walls of jerusalem, and smelled the briny tang of seawater as foam laps upon the rotted wood of the docks. i like to think, its very fulfilling.
so i thought, and then i thought, and then i thought some more. and guess what conclusion i came to? nada. nothing. zilch. zero. kaput. fortunately i didnt have to. there i was, trying to think you see, when i was rudely interrupted. by my phone. it rang in that annoying chimey thing that meant someone from my family was calling. so picked up the phone and it was my dad. we had this whole nice conversation and i kept waiting for him to say something about this whole thing, which obviously he didnt because i didnt tell him, and my friend baruch hashem did not say anything to her brother or her parents so they didnt have anything to tell my parents. for some reason i kept expecting my dad to know, because, well, my dad always knows everything. in my mind anyway. so there i was trying to decide what the HECK to do and then my mom came on the line. so i just spilled the WHOLE thing to her. freaky. and she was like "yeah, sure, lets go for it". it was totally awesome. after that i felt rather light, like something had been lifted off my shoulders. now the nervousness is setting in. and the fact that my brother is looking at me across the table with a really stupid smile on his face, well that just makes me want to hide under the table and say "forget it! i take it all back". but now ive talked to my parents again and its all worked out and now im gonna go be nervous again. *boom* sorry that was my brain exploding, anybody have a fire extinguisher?