Lessons Learned

quote of the day: Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything - Herb Caen

ever do something that you feel so bad about after that you feel so gross and want to take a shower? well i had never had an experience exactly like that until last week. and it was enlightening. and i never ever want to do it again. i had my first night of work at BB's. the working part went fine. i didnt charge anyone some bizarre amount of money for their coffee or anything, i didnt knock anything over, i didnt break anything, i didnt slip and make a total fool of myself. i know youre thinking "well if none of that happened, then what could have happened thats worse then that?". well, let me tell you.

i originally asked for BB's to stay open larer so i could go there and do my homework. i did not want to work behind the counter, and i told the owner that when i he agreed to let it stay open. i wanted it to stay open, so i could do homework. no other reason. then he convinced me to work for him one night a week. i couldnt say no to him because he asked me as a personal favor, and i couldnt refuse. so there i was, learning how to use the cash registers (which turned out to be really fun by the way) not really realizing what i was getting myself into.

see, i asked the place to be open so i could do homework. but what happened instead (which maybe i should have anticipated, but i didnt) is that it turned into a hang out. now, if it was a hang out of TI girls doing their homework and chilling out then it would have been fine. maybe a little distracting, but it would have been fine. instead we ended up with a group of people who i would never ever hang out with. they are all the friends of the girl who ended up working behind the counter. dont get me wrong, shes a sweet girl, and all of her friends are nice people. but i cannot hang out in a coed crowd. it makes me very uncomfortable to be in the same room as guys and girls who are very obviously not shomer negiah. i fee like yelling sometimes "uh hello?????? shomer negiah is not a suggestion. G-d did not say, 'and hey if youre ever in the mood, add this to your list.' no he did not say that. its a commandment straight from the torah". now i admit. there are plenty of things that i dont do and i should or things i do that i shouldnt, but if there is something i know i shouldnt do, i dont do that in a blatant and obvious way. thats just weird. Maybe im judging, as matter of fact i know i am. and that wrong. i guess its wrong for me to assume that these people know better or should know better. i guess i am judging. but its hard not to. but thats not my problem. what is my problem is me. i know that i am an impressionable person. and in general, i am a conformist. if everyone around me is doing something then ill probably go along with it, unless im being really anti-social, which happens on occasion. so i know that hanging out with this crowd, the not shomer negiah, coed, lets go out and party crowd, is probably not the place i want to hang out. also, if i want to marry someone who doesnt hang out with girls all the time, then how can i hang out with guys and still expect to find someone like that if i dont follow it also? thats hypocrisy.

it started getting weird for me even before i started working there. seeing one of my friends dating a guy i know from pittsburgh when i know she was dating for marrige before, like shidduch dating, and now she is going out with this guy and they are not shomer and it obvious they are just doing it for fun. and there is another guy from pittsburgh who hangs out there with another one of my friends and i know they are not dating, theyre just chilling. i dont do this crowd, the lets hang out and flirt crowd. and what was the last straw was after my first night of work, my friend inviting me to go out with her and one of the pittsburgh guys, to play pool or something. and what disgusts me, what gave this feeling that i needed to go home and shower, was that i was tempted. i shudder just thinking about. i was tempted to do this hangout thing, which i know would have spiraled downward into something worse. i actually thought about going. i couldnt believe myself.

i have a way i look at people. kind of like innocent until proven guiltey, which i dont know thats good or bad. i have this picture in my mind of how i expect people to be, and when i find out otherwise, its weird. i expect everyone to be good kind of. i assume guys who have been to yeshiva and who are trying to get married wouldnt hang out in a coed crowd like that, but apparently i was mistaken. and then i want to go back to thinking everyone is my glorified view of them. so its kind of bad that i have these expectations because then im disappointed. I have to stop having expectations.

anyway so in the end I have to tell eric that I cant work at BB's. I hope he doesnt kill me. or get mad at me. if he gets mad at me then I cant go back to BB's for a while which is bad because I have to go there to do my homework and use my computer. and that was my week last night. I got really depressed and yucky about it. you know that awful feeling when youre not quite sure to do about a situation and you feel like no matter what you do youre going loose, or someone will get hurt? yes, well its not fun. id rather not repeat. and with that happy note, on to frankenstein.