The Startling Truths

i have come to a startling realization. i wish i would have figured it out sooner because it would have saved me a lot of heartache and worrying. i can never get married. let me tell you why. it all comes down to drama. yes you heard me. DRAMA. i cant handle all the drama. what drama you ask? well let me tell you. its the wondering is he going to call and does he like me and does he like me enough to marry me and why didnt he call and why isnt he picking the phone and should i change my clothes again and is my makeup to obvious, i dont want to look like i dressed up for him i want him to think i always look like this (i think i should breathe now). you know what its like? its like being permanently PMSed. constant emotional roller coaster. and you know what? that makes me stressed. i get stressed from other people's relationships. last night i spent half the night with someone who was doing the whole does he like me does he like me not bit. i was going crazy after like ten minutes. i have expected the men in white coats to barge in and drag me off to the funny farm because i started to feel a little hysterical.

i think i was four when i told me father i wanted a boyfriend. two years later i told him that i wanted to get married. i started writing diaries about getting married when i was in sixth grade. in seventh grade i started collecting bridal magazines. if there has been a constant in my life, amid all my changing life goals and career choices, it has always been that i wanted to get married (and be a dancer but that doesnt fit into this discussion so we'll talk about that one another time). i have been dreaming and planning my wedding for as long as i can remember. and i still want to get married. no doubt about. but now i wonder if i might go mad first before i actually get to my wedding. i might go mad sometime around the fifth date. that will mark my downwards spiral into total and utter chaos. i hope you're all there to see it. i'll be selling tickets. ten dollars for adults and eight dollars for children and students. see my agent for the details. best to buy them in advance to make sure you actually get a ticket, seats will be selling quickly.

and its really hard to sit and watch as my roommate, who i love dearly, who by the way told me just last week that she decided that she is not ready to go out, is getting her first shidduch. im really happy for her, i really am. its just that ive wanted to get married for so long, the few sort of shidduch situations i have had didnt really work out. i never actually got to the part where i actually go out on a date. so im trying to be happy for her. i really am. but its hard. im a little jealous. and as shes getting worked up about and stressed and nervous, i get dragged along. see thats the drama of it all. thats my problem. if someone is worried or nervous or depressed or something and they come to me about it then i get worried and nervous and depressed with them. its a bit time consuming and you can imagine. so i have to disconnect myself from their emotions so i dont get caught up in it. its hard. TOO MUCH DRAMA. i always pictured myself a person who loved drama and thrived on the thrill of it, but im really not. maybe after the fact.

well now that i have made all of your heads spin in circles ill be going so i can pretend to get some work done. everybody have a freilechin chanukkah. cheers.