rain washed skies

songs of the day: "mama said" and "turn the page" by metallica

mood: take all the moods possible and smush 'em together into one big mush.

ever have a time when you're kinda hoping for something, and then you dont get it. or that you were hoping someone would give it to you or at least give you some sort of way of getting it, and then they dont? they just kinda say, sorry cant help you. its all up to you man. thats kind of how i feel right now.

the weirdest part of all this is that i dont even know if im disappointed. its like i cant tell, which is even more frustrating. if i was actually depressed our disappointed about it, then i could sit on my bed and eat ice cream and cry or write depressing stories or poetry and listen to the most tear jerking music that i have and watch "a walk to remember". but i cant even tell. which is kind of even more depressing than actually being depressed, if that makes any sense. its like i want to be disappointed but i wont let myself be. which makes me wonder about my feelings in the first place, whether or not they were really real of i fabricated. maybe i made the whole thing up and it never existed in the first place. and if thats the case...well then i feel like an idiot.

now im left in this bizarre place where i am have nothing to think about except my own thoughts, only the things i am sure of, which arent that much at the moment. i have no idea what he is thinking or feeling. i have nothing to go on except my extremely mixed up emotions which are not clearly defined as of yet and arent being much help. im trapped inside my own mind, a swirling mass of emotion that has absolutely no outlet. well there is one outlet but i would prefer not to even think about that possibility. its tempting, its confusing, and i want to but i dont want to. so instead im gonna go eat greek salad. farewell.