stormy seas

well.....last night was interesting. i guess i kind of figured out how i was feeling. im disappointed. and kinda depressed about it. what i havent figured out yet is why. im disappointed about something that i cant quite put my finger on. i think the fact that his dad and my dad didnt together jump out of their chairs and say "yeah, lets go!" kinda bummed me out. see, all the other people that i have looked into i have been able to take the answer no really well. i just say "well ok that wasnt shayach, lets try again". but this time.....i really wanted answer to be yes. i really did. so i guess i have that part figured out sort of. i guess i didnt fabricate those feelings after all. i was never this disappointed in the other situations. what kinda confuses is its not like my parents said "no you cant do this" like im in highschool. my mother relayed a conversation. she told they would not tell me what to do. i could choose what i wanted to do with the information given to me, they wouldnt stop me. they werent against me doing anything, well all know each other in this situation, so they wont mind in the end.
i think the problem is that i know very well that you cant go into a relationship with the assumption that your going to be able to change someone. i know that doesnt work and the only thing can come from that is alot of unhappiness all around. on the other hand.......well its him. its just him. there is no other way to explain. i know that if someone told me about a shidduch with a person that sounded like him i probably would not take it, definitely not take it. but with him its different. i know that sounds lame and highschool and about a million other cliche and stupid things but its the only way i can explain it.

well in the middle of all this i was feeling kind of down and it was already like three in the morning so i couldnt really call anyone, and my roomate was only just calming down from her first shidduch call so i was feeling a little lonely. well so then, on the spur of the moment, and before i really had time to think about it and think about the many many negative ramifications this could have, i wrote to my ex (saar, dont kill me.....ok ill just hide now to be safe). now what inspired me to do this, i will never know, but i did it. a long drawn out letter that will probably make him say "oy vey" yet again. now of course im like "oh my gosh i cant believe what i just did" and the panic is now setting in.

so there it is my friends. the twisted, dramatic, and pathetic life of rivqa squish abrams. ill be here all week.